A Man Out of Time (amanoutoftime) wrote,
A Man Out of Time

Luxuriating in the Creepy Christmas Past ... One Bizarre Post at a Time

Relax, your eyes are soaking in it, or is that soaking it in?

1959 Hanes Underpants Ad ...

I'm not so disturbed by Papa setting up the train in his seamless-seat underpants, but the image of Junior squeezed inside his bright white "absorbents" — squeezed, in turn, inside that painfully tiny railroad layout — is positively unsettling.

Dads back then did all kindsa things wearin' just their "shorts" — electrical work, lawn mowing, watching TV — so I'm fine with that left panel. They g-i-v-e when he sits, which is comforting too. And there's the easy-access-for-scratching rating to think about.

It's the right side of the ad that gives me the willies.

And the longer I look at it, the willier the willies get.

The kid looks 14 or 15, right? ... So why does he need to have his junk and sphincter trussed in briefs rigged with "a hygienic double-panel seat?" What? He has a perpetually loose anus and he might fill his pants with a spray of bacterial mush any second? Thank God they're strong-seamed so when he squeezes out a few loaves of hot, steamy pumpernickel, they won't rip.

Or maybe it's that he'll be so captivated by running that Sante Fe diesel around and around and around and around in that three-foot circle so many times on Christmas morn that he'll just end up dizzy, sitting in his own feces, numbly unaware that he's just shit himself.

Mom must have been thankful that all of Dad's and Junior's new crap-proof tightey-whiteys and boxers'll "stay bright through countless tubbings." Tubbings? Yeah, scrub-boiling the skidmarks and cumstains outta man-shorts with a washboard can be hard on any Palmolive manicure.

I'll note further that the whole thing is compounded by those Eisenhower-era shiny man-slippers. Vote for JFK already! Usher in the age of slipperless men and their women — legally required by Congress to wear hi-heeled cha-cha–style slippers with pink toe pom-poms!

As always, click to enlarge (but thankfully not too much) the pic. If you look closely, I think Junior's got his dong and balls wired to that controller and a car battery.

The MooT's thinkin' he needs to check out what Sis is up to on Xmas morning to feel a little better about the whole thing ...

Ahhhhh, that's better. Oooooo, there's my little flexible flyer.
Tags: advertising, christmas

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